Prison of the Dead - review

2000 (USA)

2003 Unipix DVD R(2)

Contains spoilers.

There's really not a lot to say about this appalling turn of the century low budget zombie snore-fest. Resembling more a tepid amateur high school project that any kind of sincere or mature production, it's inconsistent plot and drawn out dialogue heavy narrative, is matched only by its strict intent to demonstrate no originality, content merely to rehash all and every outdated and hokey horror trope without a care. Quite what director David DeCoteau (tellingly listed under pseudonym Victoria Sloan) and writer Matthew Jason Walsh were trying to achieve in this hour fifteen car crash I'm not quite sure. Neither comedy, drama or a horror with any real teeth; Prison of the Dead plays like it wants to be a cult and edgy young adult, possibly self-deprecating, Return of the Living Dead wannabe but comes across more as a bland, silly and rather insulting episode of Goosebumps, save with excessive bad language.

If I asked a group of junior school pupils to describe the setting and atmosphere for a haunted horror I don't think it'd be far removed from that of Prison of the Dead. A gloomy, derelict and isolated funeral home built over the long abandoned ruins of a medieval dungeon that once held witches and warlocks. A bleak and stormy night with owls hooting, billowing fog and complete with thunder and lightning. Four weary friends, two girls and two buys, reuniting to pay their respects to an old friend, and more than happy to send their driver away, and open an old creaking door to their inevitable doom. Now there can be a time and a place for cheesy nostalgic homage, and revisiting old myths and stories, but Prison of the Dead isn't it. The derivative setting isn't tribute or cute; it's lazy and easy; and the story isn't an inventive twist on the familiar but a wearisome and altogether incoherent set of musings from a team that clearly didn't care.

Brought together by Kristof St. Pierce (Patrick Flood), a spoilt, rich, occult obsessed man-child and also the recent heir of Hawthorne funeral home, the group soon realise the late Calvin (Sam Page) isn't actually that dead and their reunion is all actually part of some ill-conceived plan to bring the old scooby-doo clique back together to speak to the dead, unearth some mysterious lost key and solve an ancient mystery. All well and good if they'd just get on with it; yet the vast majority of the film is the group, plus three additional well-groomed locals seemingly intent to spoil the party for shits and giggles, happy squabbling and bitching to one another generally over how they don't want to be there. For a film that spends pretty much all it's time bogged down in character dynamics you'd have thought too, there would have been some effort to make the characters more interesting and agreeable. Whether a design decision or inexperience, Calvin, Kristof, Rory (Michael Guerin), Kat (Alicia Arden) and Michele (Debra Mayer) are played dryer than the Atacama Desert  (I looked it up; this is the driest desert). Even when people do start dropping; or glazing over and chanting the Latin (I think) beyond the grave mantra the predisposition is always stoical and the responses nonchalant and mostly self-absorbed. I'm all for the odd dry and unlikable character but when the lack of interest, care or any urgency is shared by all it's really hard not to end up sharing in the apathy.

I say, when people start dropping. Noting the eighteen certificate, the cover and presentation, and the horror credentials one would assume adult content. Nada. Okay the zombies initial appearance; skeletal medieval axe, scythe mace wielding long dead executioners sombrely and menacingly clambering from the soil is promising, and delightfully old school, reminiscent of all our old continental favourites, especially the blind dead. Yet, for the number of deaths that are eventually perpetrated there's a ridiculously low quantity of blood, next to no gore and no actual on-screen horror to actually speak of. As the film progresses each and every unlucky soul is suddenly, and arbitrarily taken by a spasm of shameful CG, a moment of possession as one of the so called long dead witches takes control before one of the zombie executioners pops out from nowhere ready for the camera to pan away, them to slash, and someone to throw something red and wet over the lens. I'm not advocating that all horror needs to be in your face and wall to wall torture porn, but this is tame for convenience sake and detracts totally from what I believe was being aimed for. In fact the only adult content I'd argue would be the copious bad language; even the token contrived sex scene seemed to mandate modesty, and with the f's and blinds dialled down I'd honestly, save for the fact it's so god damn awful, have no qualms letting my children watch it.

With more effort and energy with the action and a good rewrite of the script focusing on the transitions between the various sequences, and imbuing the characters with some charm and reason to care at all for them, there's a movie here that could probably match the reasonably competent directorial and camera work. Though not a lot more if we're all honest. Sometimes one just needs to call it as it is; that Prison of the Dead was probably a bad film before the ink was dry, and quite how someone thought an amateur budget, cast and production was going to imbue it with the necessary life and savvy to stand out was baffling to say the least. There's very little to recommend in this seventeen year old miss, and it's not one you'll be doing yourself a disservice for skipping, even if like me you want to watch them all - 2/10.

Steven@WTD.

The Dead Hate the Living! - review

2000 (USA)

2002 Digital Entertainment DVD R(2)

Contains spoilers. 

Director and writer Dave Parker's low budget, tongue-in-cheek noughties zombie nonsense screams enthusiasm, spirit and passion, and clearly a lot of time and energy has been invested into capturing early eighties Italian esoteric absurdity and mashing it with the high energy pop-influenced horror comedy that proceeded the decades after. And in many ways it works; one moment dark, strange and uncomfortable, only to seconds later shake off all pretence, and entertain with a more literal, whimsical and contemporary look and feel. It's a unique experience, exclaims Tom Savini on the cover, and I can't argue. The thing is, and looking at it as a complete work, this schizophrenic approach has also led to a film that’s undeniably a bit rubbish. Putting aside the poor pacing; a slow start is a given flaw in amateur horror, and the forgettable and generally uninteresting characters, the biggest problem with The Dead Hate the Living! is the disjointed and utterly unconvincing story. At no point does it ever appear Parker knew where he was going with a tale that seems to be built on random and confounding directorial and narrative decisions. Though maybe that's the point and the continental je ne sais quoi I was alluding too; and there's no doubting the feature is quite the experience…

No doubt Parker thought turning the tables on young and naive teens playing at making their own zombie opus such that they themselves become the stars of the show was clever and original. And it is, with the springing of the joke as dramatic, bloody and entertaining as one could hope. It's the bits leading up and the bits after that’s the problem with Parker seemingly struggling to really know what to do other than play it cliché, corny and hope the narrative itself would telegram the next obvious steps.

The first mistake first time b-movie film maker David Poe (Eric Clawson) makes after discovering the hidden, dark and nefarious lab complete with intimidating coffin was to persuade the rest of the vulnerable and remarkably gullible crew to see it as a good thing to incorporate the corpse of Dr Eibon (Matt Stephens) in their feature, arguing who wouldn't want to watch a Night of the Living Dead film with real dead in. The second, was put his body back into the strangely inscribed sarcophagus. The third, and definitely the one with most post-regret resonance would be plugging it back in and getting your leading man to place the nearby medallion back into its central socket all the while shouting about opening the gates of hell. I'm always torn when narrative is so staged, as to whether I feel it's all brilliantly cheesy, or dreadfully insulting; and the truth is probably both. I know a laughable unforced mistake is at the heart of the zombie trope, but this is perhaps going too far, as at no point watching was I ever thinking, heck screaming, anything other than what the f are you doing?

With the zombies out the chamber, so to speak, it's part slasher, part cat and mouse, part traditional low budget zombie, but plenty of the same baffling survival tactics from the survivors, and nonsensical world domination from the now fully locked and loaded zombie master. So there's some back story explaining his wanton desire to see all the living dead because his wife died of cancer and his desperate search to find an answer so he could break the veil. What doesn't quite complete the narrative though is why he'd shove her now successfully animated zombie shell on a slab in the morgue with all the other stiffs to be killed so easily by the now desperate rag tag survivors. Again, I don't think overthinking it would be good for me. What we need to know is he's an undead lord, turning the key didn't just resurrect his beardy arse but threw the whole hospital in to some space time limbo, and a pivot between the real world, and the world of the dead (think The Beyond and Army of Darkness), and he has quite the motley assortment of mutant zombies ready to help him with his scheme. 

Later, with Parker seemingly running out of ideas these towering, monstrosities Barker Hell-raiser inspired zombie-demons are joined from nowhere by a plethora of Romero clones who act and behave according to all accepted traditional tropes, except they're easily fooled by men with the right bit of make-up; which is handy as that's all David and make-up artist Paul (Brett Beardslee) have at their disposal. Refreshingly they both look and act the part, and I can have no quibbles for what was obviously a small budget. Gore and effects are always in your face too, but though it has its moments, it could never be a film that could be considered dark; the light and trite dialogue make sure of that.

What we have again is a baffling little zombie movie that somehow kind of works because one is able to transcend critical analysis to actually find enjoyment in, and despite, obvious mediocrity. The plot, a baffling, incongruous mess is more than often entertaining, the characters, bar Paul and perhaps Topaz (Jamie Donahue) are dry and hard to get behind; yet as vehicles to react to the zombie threat there's merit to their laboured and uninspired presentation. Matt Stephens is undoubtedly the star of the show and his camp and excessive b-movie performance warrants acclaim despite appearing somewhat ham-strung again with writing and directorial decisions that don't seem to want to ever push him beyond what you'd expect. So, an odd zombie film that demonstrates an awful lot of potential yet seems happy to squander much of it by being a little too scared to really stick to the dark recesses itself suggests; instead becoming a half-way safer and more whimsical house, that satisfies neither position. Still, there is fun to be had with some genuinely nice touches, and as Savani said, it's certainly unique - 4/10.

Steven@WTD.

Zeder (Revenge of the Dead) - review

1983 (Italy)

2012 CMV Laservision DVD R(2)

Contains spoilers.

There's (zombie) films to drink beer and shout along with, there's films for screaming, cowering and recoiling from; there's comedies, parodies and musicals, and there's even the odd delight that, at a push, could make it to Netflix and chill. Zeder aka Revenge of the Dead as it was re-titled a few years later for a US home video audience that needed a more noticeable title isn't really any of the above. It's an odd little number; a thinking man's zombie film anomaly, with nuance, sophistication, ambiguity and a dialogue and narrative heavy story. It's also not really like anything else save maybe Dellamorte Dellamore with its surreal dream-like approach to the veil of death; or maybe Pet Sematary with the same penchant for macabre spirituality, subtle, minimalist yet disturbing presentation, and story full of dubious and detached morality.

The story rather plays out like a good H. P. Lovecraft investigative short, with a nefarious well funded organisation / cult and forces and powers they couldn't possibly hope to either understand or control. There's also the innocent and unsuspecting bystanders that become embroiled, ignoring the myriad of warnings to fall truly down the rabbit hole. Here it's writer Stefano (Gabriele Lavia), our films hero, and his discovery of a disturbing but curious letter on an old typewriter ribbon gifted to him by girlfriend Allesandra (Anne Canovas) that sets the wheels in motion, as well as affirming the main narrative thread.

Zeder refers to the late Paolo Zeder; an occultist and hierophant who posited that the world was dotted with ancient places of antiquity and power called k-zones. Forged through great acts of spirituality and death, these hubs act as permanent zero-state zones where binary boundaries like life and death become blurred and insubstantial and thus of great interest to those with the money, curiosity and moral duplicity to exploit. The film begins in one such k-zone, a flashback to 1953 and the unearthing of Zeder by cult member Dr. Meyer (Cesare Barbetti) who uses the psychic prowess of his protégé; the young naïve, innocent and quite unwilling Gabriella (Veronica Moriconi) to track down the physical corpse of perpetrator of recent grisly murders. Thirty years on it's an old abandoned children's home, now abandoned unfinished hotel near the necropolis of Spina and the burial of Zeder's own neophyte and spiritual successor Don Luigo Costa (Aldo Sassi) that has both the death cult, and increasingly obsessive Stefano's focus.

Italian director Pupi Avati's story telling is slow, rich and refreshingly fluid and respectful. There's never any hand-holding or forced exposition; the viewer is treated with intelligence and expected to piece together the mystery alongside Stefano, experiencing the same esoteric incoherence and confusion. The result is a film that while could easily be accused of meandering along with a dull, over-complicated story, does offer tension, suspense and constant intrigue as long as one is prepared to invest the time and energy to keep up. If one is willing to make this investment though, Avati's story provides a mystery with ramifications that are truly terrifying and a final ten minutes or so that are perhaps some of the most deeply, brooding and disturbing I've watched. 

Inside a k-zone death as a concept is unbound from any expected linear or normative paradigm. So while the zombies, when they do eventually make an appearance, can and do walk about as much a murderess flesh eater as the next, they're also simultaneously buried and very much deceased. Also detached from the confines of both their actual corporeal home, and any absolute conditions like space, they're able to appear appear and disappear seemingly at will. There's also an almost playful manner in which they view those constrained with living; an exuding confidence and power akin to a cat with a mouse. By now our brains have almost come to accept the traditional zombie; by constraining it with semantics and understanding; with viruses, possession or aliens we're not quite as scared as it fits, albeit still with absurdity, into our linear paradigm. Zeder's zombies successfully reopen Pandora's box, challenging our very foundations and provoking our primal fears with true uncertainty and discomfort; nothing is answered because nothing can be answered; like the boundary of death itself, any answer is beyond reason and understanding.

I can see why many new horror and especially new zombie fans would baulk at this narrative rich Italian eighties obscure and eccentric horror. The Cthulhu investigative story that constitutes the bulk of the film despite being well intentioned, coherent and engaging is perhaps overly elaborate, laboured to the point of legitimate complaint. It can also at times be a film that's difficult to follow; being deliberately and unapologetically incongruous and irreconcilable. Also whilst there is a fair amount of screaming, chasing and dying, many of which are quite gory in nature the actual pop-shots so to speak are predominantly off camera, resulting in a film that's extremely gore-tame not just by modern standards, but the whole Italian Giallo and zombie scene one may have expected it to also occupy. Yet it's for these very reasons I enjoyed Luigo's story telling so much. It's serious, it's brooding, it's baffling and disturbing and unlike a lot of popcorn flicks I did have a lot to think about and you know what, I coped - 8/10.

Steven@WTD.

Zombie Driller Killer (Dark Souls) - review

2010 (Norway / France)

2012 Lions Gate Home Ent. UK Ltd DVD R(2)

Contains spoilers.

The 2010 Norwegian film Dark Souls, subsequently re-released as Zombie Driller Killer no doubt to take advantage of new tidal wave of zombie affection, is a dark, macabre, brooding tight little budget horror competently made and acted with some delightful little scenes. It's also a rather hard one to review for as much as I respect what director and writers César Ducasse, Mathieu Peteul have put together it really does fail to hold up to any serious scrutiny in any way, with a narrative full of suspect decisions, and an explanation and ending that unravels just when it should be delivering.

I feel some clarity is needed. The driller killers(s - as we later discover) are a group of orange jump-suit Jason wannabes that have set siege to Oslo; jumping unsuspecting passers-by, drilling into their skulls and implanting something that leaves them, albeit after a small period of deadness, vegetative black bile spewing degenerates. These zombies of the piece are for the vast majority exactly this. Sickly with epileptic seizures, neurological disorientation and fast growing cancerous metastasis that's spreading through their central nervous system; the only dangers they present is someone slipping on their spewed bile or tripping over them as they lay lifeless and in the way.

There's none of the usual biting, chasing or gut ripping; the protagonist of the film is the driller killer and he's real, alive and a tangible target for both police and wannabe super sleuth. Johanna Ravn (Johanna Gustavsson) is victim number one and her gruesome (though off camera) end sets the narrative on its way not only for her sub-story focus that sees her slow macabre transformation, but also for her father, Morten Ravn (Morten Rudå), old and portly, single father, music teacher and unlikely hero of the hour. Not only faced with twenty-four hour care of a vegetative daughter who is constantly oozing black bile, he has also decided to take it upon himself to investigate the ever increasing number of attacks and track down the culprit.

There's a patch some one hour in, a five minute interruption where the vegetative rise from their beds and set upon the living, and it's good; I mean really good with tension, horror and an eerie unnatural atmosphere that Fulci would be proud of. Yet that's it. The first hour is the double investigative story, on Johanna and by Morten, and even the final twenty minutes when one thinks, with the zombies out of the closet so to speak, things are likely to get undead and spicy, it again slides back to Morten just running about an industrial factory from semi-zombie henchmen armed all armed with varyingly sized drills; obviously compensating for something. All this build up isn't bad per se; it's a tad meandering but fairly interesting in an x-files investigative drama kind of way. The problem is one of believability and I just never truly bought into the podgy cello teacher as entrepreneurial investigator, never mind swashbuckling hero. And it's not the only inconsistency I found in the story; from a random homeless man happening to know the origin story for the whole oil-based zombie death cult, Morten happening across the driller killers' lair, or the fact that despite the whole city being on lock-down because orange jump suit mask wearing maniacs were drilling all indiscriminately, they were able and quite happy to drive around in broad daylight without garnering any attention. Oh, and we're also supposed to buy into a totally incompetent police force… okay, this one's not so hard.

The driller killers are kind of zombies too though they're more chosen tier one zombies, and not the fetid oil oozing mindless tier two drones that make up their victims. All identically donned, they might be unselective in who they attack, but they're very focused on how. Under orders, control or necessity they jump a victim, drill into the cranium, suck something out then push something in, all for the 'old man' (Gustav-Adolf Hegh) who lives atop the factory rewarding them for their work with a sip of the old black stuff. The origin story, which we learn, conveniently from a chance encounter, is one of a deep oil well and drill (spot the clever parallel) and a mysterious evil let into the world, but beyond this I'll be fucked if I know what's going on. What they're extracting from people, what are they putting back in, why they're doing it, who the 'old man' really is and what his motives are? It's some ancient evil, something to do with hydrocarbons, life and oil and I think the total subjugation of mankind.

An interesting hour and a half, and whilst not convinced at all by zombie driller killer I've certainly had less celluloid fun. The investigative pacing was intriguing and Johanna's degenerative journey enthralling. Some choice decisions aside, introducing the zombies earlier, then seeing through their promise and I think Ducasse and Peteul could have produced that most rare of undead beasts, a budget zombie film that's interesting, original and intelligent. As it is though, zombie driller killer just makes too many wrong turns to off-set all it does get right - 5/10.

Steven@WTD.

Cockneys vs Zombies - review

2012 (UK)

2012 studiocanal Blu-ray R(B/2)

Contains spoilers.

So these two geezers right, their old granddad is in a bit of old barney rubble as his old care home is going to be knocked down to make room for some fucking yuppie high-rise, so they've decide to do some apple bobbing to sort it out. It all goes a bit Pete Tong and the old bill turn up, but that's not the real problem, you see me old china. The fucking problem, is two chancers thinking it peachy to disturb some brown bread in some old crypt, only unleash a chuffing Trafalgar plague, didn't they.

If you can handle all the cockney twang, enjoy a good British non-serious comedy action horror and like zombies, gore and lots of bloodshed then director Matthias Hoene's homage to Night of the Living Dead cum Shaun of the Dead might just be for you. It's fun, airy, light hearted, there's good dialogue and chemistry between the varied characters and there's enough guts, blood and carnage to satisfy any gore hounds cravings. I've seen it described as Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels meets Shaun of the Dead and honestly if they'd just added 'guns' between cockneys and zombies the title would say all you needed to know.

I'll admit I was a tad wary going into this as watching lary bad mouthed east-enders really isn't my cup of tea and whether it's rhyming slang, pearly kings and queens or the glorification of two particular vile gangsters there's nothing quite like insular self-aggrandising, in my mind, to spoil a good party. I needn't have worried though as yes, it's one hundred percent cockney and yes it's chock full of all the east-end charm I've just been bitching about, but Hoene and the writers and producers have managed to pitch it so that cockneyism is in on the joke as much as it's blowing smoke up its own arse.

Now for a translation of that basic story I outlined in the first paragraph. Alan Ford is Ray MacGuire, an east-end retired hard-man with a permanent facial snarl and penchant for swearing, who is seeing out his days in the Bow Bells care home in the heart of the east-end. Like much of old London his retirement home is set to be demolished to make way for a brand new high rise development and he has three weeks until he and his friends are to be relocated up t'north. Unbeknown to him, his good natured, if dim witted grandsons', Terry (Rasmus Hardiker) and Andy MacGuire (Harry Treadaway) have come up with a plan to save the day by robbing a local bank with the help with their cousin Katy (Michelle Ryan), their incompetent friend Davey Tuppence (Jack Doolan) and Ashley 'Mental' Mickey (Bashy Thomas) the local brain damaged nutter (literally) who just happens to be the only person they know with guns.

Inevitably, the robbery goes wrong, the police show, there's panic, arguments and Mickey takes it upon himself to blast his way out grabbing two hostages, Emma (Georgia King) and Clive (Tony Gardner) only to discover that while they've been working out what to do their little corner of London has been hit by the zombie tsunami. Their plan, and the plot of the film is now straightforward. Survival, guns and rescue granddad.

Well it is and it isn't. As well as focusing on the conflicted and out of the depth cockney robbers and their hostages now holed up at Terry and Andy's lock-up there's a second narrative focused on Ray and residents of the care home as it too comes under siege. It's here Hoene is able to be slightly more playful not only with delightful slap stick set pieces and comic dialogue from veteran actors including Honor Blackman and Richard Briers, but by contrasting and poking fun at traditional zombie tropes such as there slow pace vs the geriatric old timers complete with their replacement hips and zimmer frames. There always a fine line being walked when parody is in play, but Hoene gets it right acknowledging all the inherent absurdity while always remaining respectful, much like Pegg and Wright did with Shaun of the Dead; and also in many ways like he does with 'cockneys'.

I do like it when directors understand that if you get the zombie right, it doesn't half help allowing the characters and action to shine. Included on the Blu-ray is the five minute video that was shown to all 526 zombie extras explaining the basic rules of zombie behaviour and movement, or zombicality as they put it. Very slow movement, stagger not swagger, lift legs from the hips, have your arms flailing and let gravity guide movement are all mentioned and the cast of extras follow the doctrine perfectly capturing London in all its tipped bin, newspaper strewn, background flesh munching, apocalyptic splendour.

They're your slow gait Romero zombies, though as the very recently deceased there's only the slightest shade of blue. They hunger for flesh, they're definitely dead and anything other than a head-shot and they'll still keep dragging themselves forward. They're well made up with a fun goofy back story that finally puts to rest the question of what happens when all the skin rots and falls off (they turn in skeletons like in Tombs of the Blind Dead). Other than that it's business as usual; bite, infect, turn (& die) and look to pass it all on. The make-up and effects are striking and the streets are awash with guts and blood and it all looks great.

Cockneys vs Zombies knows what it is and delivers. It's lively, action packed, explosive and gore laden but as excessive and in bad taste as some of the sequences are there's always the pinch of salt allowing them to get away with them. Hoene pitches the comedy with the action and gore perfectly never allowing one to take over and the back and forth between the two narratives is coherent and they meet up just at the right time. It's not perfect, for all it's originality; in story, characters and some of the extravagant zombie deaths, by being a parody means staying tight to the genre staples and it can't help but feel a tad derivative and stale at times. There's also a few throw away jokes that don't quite and skits that don't come off. All in all though, a thoroughly enjoyable ride; with much to commend. I'll Bobby Moore it 7/10.

Steven@WTD.