Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - review

2006 (USA)

2011 Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment 1-4 Box Set Blu-ray R(A/1 B/2)

Contains spoilers.

  

One bloody monkey. That's all it took to dictate whether or not Gore Verbinski (director) and Jerry Bruckheimer's (producer) second hokey Pirates of the Caribbean adventure would make for a zombie movie review or not. One bloody monkey. You see, I don't think Davy Jones's crew, though gnarly, dark and ugly, really make the zombie cut. I know they're century old degenerates, in both mind and body, and forced to an eternal servitude of murder, rape and pillage across the high seas, but for the most part they're cognisant, and seem pretty enamoured with their whole predicament. Now, like in my review of the previous film there's certainly some zombie ambiguity to the crew what with all the immortality and curses, and it is the Caribbean and voodoo with priests with funny bones and what-not; but there's just not enough groaning and mindlessness. It all comes down to one bloody monkey and you probably, like me, even missed his zombification at the end of the first film, where the long credits fade and it's Barbossa’s pet back with the cursed gold coins of Cortés in Isla de Muerta's. A thirty odd second bit of throwaway fun with the little shit stealing a piece, and wham, a zombie-monkey and here we are.

What to say about the film? It's every bit the triple-A bombastic multi-million pound spectacular it's billed as. It's Johnny Depp , Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley all doing what they're paid audaciously stupid amounts of money to do. It's wall to wall ridiculous and jaw dropping effects; an extravagant non-stop roller-coaster of fun, and a tremendous way to spend a family Sunday afternoon. It is perhaps a tad long, at two and a half hours and it's also perhaps a little more contrived and forced than the first; but the high jinx high-seas tale of treachery, redemption and friendship is strong and competent enough to deliver every bit the perfect level of low brain escapism.

It's also every bit the part of something greater. You see, Dead Man's Chest is part one of a two film story arc shot simultaneously with the third PoC instalment, At World's End. As such I've seen it compared to The Empire Strikes Back; an unresolved journey movie that leaves more questions than it answers. Whilst Davy Jones's heart is turned over to the East Indian Trading Company's Lord Cutler Beckett (Tom Hollander), and the Kraken is overcome so that Elizabeth, Will and the crew can make their escape the film is chock full of hanging threads, none more so than the fate of Captain Sparrow, last seen being dragged to the depths of the sea. We could also, if we wanted to be cynical, strip the film down and argue that there's actually very little meaningful content, and that the film is really just a rather drawn out two and half hour long tease for a climax we'd have to wait another year to get. Also, that a great many of the long elaborate sequences, such as Captain Sparrow's capture and on the island ruled by cannibals, or the extended three-way in-fight on Isla Cruces are rather unnecessary contrived filler, and if merged with the second film and given a rather frugal edit they'd both benefit. I'm not sure though, for as much as the critic in me agrees with all this, I did actually enjoy all the superfluous goofing about and maybe that's what the film is ultimately all about.

So this zombie monkey. As I stated in the previous film's review, the curse is actually more about looking undead than actually being undead, and though appearing as a ghastly ghoul when the moon is out might not be everyone's cup of tea, the immortality and a imperviousness that comes with the condition probably more than compensates. So perhaps he's not quite a zombie; but Jack clearly calls him undead and demonstrates his unique selling point with a close quarters gun shot during a trade with obeah priestess Tia Dalma (Naomie Harris) to discover the location of the Flying Dutchman. And its crew? Not really zombie either, with looks more akin to undersea creature hybrid mutants, and temperaments closer to the particular nasty and uncouth pirate crew their reputation alludes to. And also while they may well be under the command of Davy Jones, as said, they don't seem particularly upset about carrying out his wishes.

So not really a zombie film and even the undead monkey is perhaps probably a bit zombie suspect; still ambiguity is at the heart of zombie myth and Barbossa has come back, albeit briefly at the end, from a state that was most definitely dead. It's also the Caribbean and voodoo; and as I've said before, part four, On Stranger Tides does promise no question gut-munchers (well maybe not quite, as remember this is Disney and family friendly fun), and we're now at least one closer. Fully deserving of its accolade as fastest film ever to gross over $1 billion in the worldwide box office at the time, and fully deserving of all the popular plaudits I can't really fault it as a great pop-corn action spectacular, and recommend it wholeheartedly for a family treat. Albeit as said, have At World's End sat ready in the wing to finish the story, which I'll be no doubt doing too, and also hoping that bloody monkey has done one so I can skip another nearly zombie film - 7/10.

Steven@WTD.

Zoombies - review

2016 (USA)

2016 Kaleidoscope Home Entertainment DVD R(2)

Contains spoilers.

Zoombies is not a good film. In fact I'd be happy to argue that it's possibly the worst film I've looked at with a lazy nonsensical story, laughably bad effects and a general eye for detail Ed Wood would have been proud of. The Asylum are certainly setting themselves up as a modern day Troma willing to churn out any and all audaciously ridiculous idea as cheaply and amateurishly as possible. Actually that's not quite accurate and a little disingenuous to Troma; with Troma one at least feels there's some passion and pride in the all stupidity. With The Asylum one increasingly feels that not giving a damn is part of the process and that somehow actually not going to any lengths to hide production incompetence is best practice. One can also argue however, that you know exactly what you're getting when you sit down with a The Asylum 'straight to DVD'. For as bad as it will be, and it will be, just perhaps there's a small part of you that will embrace the chaos; will laugh as earnest actors sincerely try to make it work; and as a viewing party, as The Asylum films are not meant to be watched unaccompanied; support will be required; savour each and every new unashamedly cheap and awful idea and its delivery.

Everything you need to know about director Glenn Miller's Zoombies is delivered in the first ten minutes. There's an unopened zoo, some plucky kids on a zoology college internship, some earnest staff lead by Dr. Ellen Rogers (Kim Nielson), a man in a gorilla suit and some unknown highly contagious inter-species zombie virus. Let hilarity commence. Not that it probably matters but there's no real attempt at making the outbreak coherent or logical; some monkeys are sick, one has seizure, goes into cardiac arrest is given some epinephrine or something and comes back to life (we know this as the heart monitor that was never on the monkey starts beeping) as a rabid homicidal little shit on the extreme offensive. It's to the point, visceral and entertaining, if for all the wrongs reasons. Things soon escalate, as is the zombie way, with the addition of five or so other monkeys released from their cages and also inexplicably infected; there's screaming, killing and copious quantities of awfully fake CG blood and before you can say Sharknado 5, zoo security respond to the alarm, break the carefully controlled quarantine and let the carnage spill out to the rest of the zoo.

The film ultimately becomes one of cat and mouse; or what-ever painfully awful CG or prosthetic zombie animal insanity all involved best thought should drive the next round of hiding, screaming and falling over, and an ever-decreasing number of exaggerated disparate ill-suited Jurassic Park-esque survivors. There is an attempt at a larger narrative; of saving the world by stopping virus from reaching the aviary but this just leads to more confusion and head scratching; as wouldn't there be native birds around the park? And also I thought for a moment there would be some deeper narrative with the trio of Dr. Ellen Rogers, her daughter Thea (La La Nestor) and Kifo the Cross River Gorilla comically performed by Ivan Djurovic and some possible cure or empathetic break-through but any and all notions here were quickly dropped. In many ways Zoombies once it got going played it remarkably safe and dare I say, especially in the second half a tad derivative. Always silly, but always a tad lazy and obvious.

As said, if I was to stop, dissect and critique the film in any coherent or meaningful way things would soon turn ugly. Each and every scene always had one moment that flied in the face of logic and reason, and there were so many jaw dropping moments of disruptive cohesion with one scene directly contradicting the one before, that it would be easy to dismiss the whole thing as insulting and farcical. Even the virus itself asks more questions than it answers; like why it should be able to so quickly and virulently transfer between such differing species, yet leave humans unaffected? As I say though, looking at the film this way is nothing but an exercise in frustration and futility, though maybe there's another.

Sure it's laughably bad, sure it has CG effects that make your eyes bleed and a story that falls apart as soon as you give it any thought, but you know what; throughout the film I increasingly found myself looking forward to the next comedy star-trek bridge fall or unbelievable zombie animal. Whether it was the hilarious glass tapping parrots, the preposterous gorilla, the CG elephant ride, or even the intern falling hundreds of feet to his large explosive death; Miller does manage to somehow tap into that so bad it's good experience that it's almost impossible not to find some enjoyment. Also the main actors do a commendable job, able to not only retain straight faces but actually make the audience believe in them and give a damn as they face down each increasingly absurd situation. Look, I'm never going to say Zoombies is a good film, nor one I'd even recommend, but as a throwaway frivolous extremely silly and self-deprecating beer fuelled party flick perhaps there's enough to warrant a look - 4/10.

Steven@WTD.

[REC]⁴ Apocalypse - review

2014 (Spain)

2015 Entertainment One Blu-ray (B/2)

Contains spoilers.

So the sequel we've all been waiting for? Back to tight and claustrophobic, to demonic ravenous inhuman zombies, to intense jumps and scares, and to Director Jaume Balagueró, and Manuela Velasco reprieving her central role as investigative reporter, sole survivor, eye candy and where we left her, newly appointed harbinger of death and disease to all of mankind Ángela Vidal. But what about [REC]³? There's no blatant pretence that it didn't happen; there's definite reference to Paco Plaza's slightly lighter, more flippant and expansive wedding shenanigans, but we're under no illusion that back with Balagueró, it's directly back to [REC] and [REC]² both in storyline and a more serious and sombre tone and demeanour.

I personally liked [REC]³. Ok, it was definitely quite the departure from its predecessors and by trying to be a bit more adventurous and accessible, dallying with humour and romance, it certainly lost that aura of stupefying dread and unnatural trepidation that the series had cemented as its own. Yet we can't forget that after the rather weary and formulaic [REC]² the series was in serious danger of falling down to staleness before it had even stretched its legs, and at least [REC]³ injected a shot of adrenalin. [REC]⁴ is back to the formula; the quarantined Barcelona apartment block is now a cranky old tanker far out to sea, the situation the crew find themselves in, full of questions and uncertainty, and once the maelstrom hits, both literally and metaphorically, things descend once again and very quickly to jumps, scares and lots of brutal carnage and dying.

The third person camera has quietly and without fuss, been retained from [REC]³, with no attempt to try and force a narrative that dictates a camera should be kept rolling under the most bewildering of circumstances. [REC]² ended with Ángela receiving the Medeiros slug unbeknown to her SWAT team rescuers, and [REC]⁴ follows straight from this with her transfer to the isolated remote tanker to be prodded and probed by a medical team lead by Dr. Ricarte (Héctor Colomé). Whilst there's nothing too original to the breakout and slide into pandemonium story on offer, Balagueró does manage to recapture that original [REC] mood and tone. The narrative too, flows coherently providing that all important immersive foundation that allows for the intense cat and mouse chases, the desperate backed into the corner fights and frantic decision making, to be exploited with conviction and investment.

The zombies of [REC] don't hold back. Frenetic, vicious, hungry, they're the definition of dangerous. A bite, or ingestion of contaminated flesh and the transition from healthy human to blood crazed maniac is total and quick. They're fast too; 28 Days Later fast, with none of that Romero or The Walking Dead slowness, ponderous or weakness. It doesn't take a horde to present a real problem, just the one, and if not ready with an automatic weapon and a few mates, I'd say the odds of meeting one's grizzly gut ripping end is all but certain. There also seems to be more emphasis on infection, the parasite, death and dare I say it more traditional zombie story, than the religious and ambiguously supernatural preoccupation of the previous outings, and this does somewhat serve to lessen the foreboding atmosphere. The objective is still horror and it still all works, but it's all rather action-horror than unnatural horror-horror, and it's a little bit of a shame. The slimy Medeiros Wrath of Kahn ear-slug alike, just isn't quite up there with eerie, shadowy, spindly and utterly other-worldly Medeiros girl, and the zombies too, are always now kind of where they ought to be, or where they were left, rather than popping up discordantly.

It is a return to the original, it is still a well fashioned roller coaster ride of terror, and yes it's clear the director and team have learnt a lot over the years with a feature richer and more polished. Yet possibly this extra shine; the clearer, less ambiguous narrative and traditional third person [REC]³ camera work, has all somewhat helped to take that something away that made the first truly and astoundingly edgy, and unnerving. [REC] embodied shock and unpredictability and [REC]⁴ is perhaps just that bit too safe; too obvious. It's also all rather disappointing as a conclusion to the enthralling and baffling four part escapade, neither providing any real or satisfying answers, nor any ambiguous or jaw dropping nuke to ponder; the final five minutes rather a damp squib than an edifying bowing out. All this aside, [REC]⁴ is a great zombie horror film, with suspenseful and shocking scenes, some great zombie carnage and pulse pounding action; I just can't help but come away feeling a little short-changed - 7/10.

Steven@WTD.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - review

2003 (USA)

2011 Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment 1-4 Box Set Blu-ray R(A/1 B/2)

Contains spoilers.

I was in two minds as to whether to review this film in full or not. One, it has that unfortunate quality of being so damn popular and so damn old everyone who was ever going to see it has done so and already made their mind up as to whether it's a bit of harmless swashbuckling family fun or tepid piratey flotsam and an insult to ol' Edward Thatch. And, two, strictly speaking the cursed zombie-like crew of the Black Pearl captained by Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) aren't actually zombies or even really that dead. Still, there is a little ambiguity and I have gone to the trouble of watching it so I might as well throw my thoughts out.

I'm on the side that the film itself is actually quite good, and arguably the best of the series. Sumptuously shot by director Gore Verbinski with great stunts and effects it flows effortlessly with an interesting albeit not particularly taxing narrative and is everything you'd really want from a big budget family blockbuster. It was far better than I remembered it and I would certainly recommend it to those on the fence on whether it's worth going back to.

The story? You'll remember all this when I tell you. There's some Aztec gold and Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) of the Black Pearl as a scruffy unscrupulous villainous pirate, decided he wanted it. However on the way, his equally scruffy villainous etc, first mate Barbossa and crew decided to mutiny, leave him marooned him on a small desert island and take it for themselves. This wouldn't have been such bad plan if the gold wasn't cursed.

It's Tales of Monkey Island, high jinx on the high seas, a traditional pirate story if you like, yet with a supernatural twist and a highly eccentric screen stealing performance by Johnny Depp. It's great, honest, and I'm not going to spend any more time on the film. You've seen it anyway. What interests me is the cursed not-zombie kind-of-undead crew.

Positives? The curse made Barbossa and the crew immortal. Negatives? They're now in an undead stasis appearing as ghastly skeletons under moon light. To be honest I'm not so sure it's such a bad trade off. I mean, if they just showed a bit of imagination I'm sure they could come up with a plan that balanced looking a bit macabre and sinister after hours, against the benefits of being impervious to injury and living forever.  Anyway, it seems their loved ones weren't too taken with the whole thing so they've decided they're now on an eternal quest to return all the 882 gold coins of Cortés in Isla de Muerta's treasure and make the blood sacrifice necessary to rid themselves of it. How they knew what to do to rid themselves of the curse is never explained and the whole thing is all a bit convoluted and contrived, but it does provide a semi-coherent narrative to drive the action and mayhem and it does provide a great excuse for brilliant and provocative edgy family horror-lite shenanigans.

They're not zombies in that they're not really dead, they're more cursed to appear dead, but just at night. They're still fully in possession of their souls, their personalities, dreams and desires. They can eat, drink, sing and rape and pillage to their hearts content and there's no revenant drive to seek vengeance; they are evil little oiks, but then they were before. There's no deadness, no loss other than probably being sexually shunned by everyone other than most dedicated Goth; also there's absolutely no eating anyone. There is a bit of The Blind Dead to proceedings, in the skeletal appearance, not strictly being zombies, and all the ships, but I don't feel it's especially intentional. 

With the curse lifted (sorry spoiler) they revert back to being fully alive, mortal and vulnerable once again to being killed. They're undead state was just that, a temporary state, a minor inconvenience.

So, not a zombie film but great family entertainment with a good bit of supernatural and some interesting playing with the alive/dead barrier. Set in the Caribbean it's easy to think Z, and later in the series with On Stranger Tides, which is also a highly recommended book by Tim Powers, we do get see some traditional voodoo walking dead but they're not here just yet. Great effects, great acting, there's nothing here to really complain about, though nothing that really sets the world on fire. Nonetheless it's nigh on perfect, well crafted Disney family fun, like I said, you've already made mind up about, 8/10.

Steven@WTD.