Big Tits Zombie (The Big Tits Dragon) - review

2010 (Japan)

2010 Terracotta Distribution DVD R(2)

Contains spoilers.

Now either Big Tits Zombie, or The Big Tits Dragon, or Kyonyū Dragon if we're to look to its manga source and original Japanese title, is a remarkable spaghetti zombie mash-up, perfectly capturing this particular goofy horror soft-porn niche to deliver an audaciously explosive hour fifteen of in your face unmissable fun and frolics; or it's possibly the most vacuous pile of bafflingly incompetent tosh I've had the misfortune to sit through. And though I can certainly appreciate writer and director Takao Nakano's enthusiasm in his two minutes introduction, and his wish for us to sit back and mindlessly laugh our way through his 'zombies fighting a sexy girl with a chainsaw' (his words) epic, I'm definitely leaning towards the latter position.

I do have a problem though. Despite all the short-comings; the horrendous effects and choreography, the random, entirely superficial and inconsequential story, the puerile jokes and infantile school boy obsession with boobies, I did have fun. It's also, given its title, not quite as bad as I expected with less of the obsessive fan service and none of the age-inappropriate exploitation I've come to expect. Sure leading ladies Lena Jodo (played by Japanese adult film star Sola Aoi) and Ginko (Risa Kasumi) share two scenes where tops are lost and cameras zoom in, and it's all bikinis, hot pants and tight tops; but really, I was expecting a lot more and I'm thinking the scenes as they are, were just probably in to satisfy contracts. This review is going to give me a problem.

There is an attempt at a story but I'm not sure Nakano, the actors, actresses, and for that matter us viewers were ever to take it that seriously. Lena joins a backwater strip bar and together with Ginko and three other girls they uncover a strange door that leads to forgotten cellar, the Well of Souls and The Book of the Dead. Maria (Mari Sakurai), one of the dancers, with a darker temperament and gothic leanings decides to take it on herself to dive into the 16th century medieval tomb, read a few incantations and open up the gates of hell for a new global age of the dead. Already some forty minutes in, and remember this is only a 73 minute film, it then falls to Lena and Ginko to single-handedly kick, punch, slash and swipe their way through the undead horde and save the world.

Neither Lena or Ginko or the actresses playing them have obviously ever thrown a punch in their lives. The distance between thrust and each zombie extra's dramatic collapse is comically large and exaggerated; yet moments later armed with chainsaw and katana we're suddenly expected to believe they possess the swordplay prowess of Alice, some three films in. I get it's all rather silly and in truth none of this matters; cohesion and integrity were left formally at the door; it's just all a bit overly amateurish. It's all also not helped by the fact that other than few tight skirmishes, what we have in truth is a single location zombie shindig recut and rehashed three times; once at the start and twice near the end. Add some vagina fire breathing, a goofy tentacle zombie mutation scene complete with obvious string, and a bafflingly eccentric supporting cast including Blue Ogre, a department manager from Hell and I really felt the film became more absurd and surreal the longer it went on; as if Nakano and all involved increasingly gave less of a shit how it all turned out.

BTZ is a comically atrocious film; but the thing is it not only knows it, but it does play it up. I think anyway; I could be wrong but that would be truly terrifying. As said, it's b-movie film making at its brazen best, with no redeeming qualities other than to be infuriatingly enjoyable. Not immensely enjoyable, but enough that despite telling yourself repeatably you will turn it off in five minutes you'll suddenly find yourself staring with disbelief as the credits roll. Look, it's a rubbish film but from the title and cover you already know that; you should also be under no illusion about exactly what sort of film it's likely to be, and I'll reiterate, yes, it's every bit as bad. And yet, sometimes a film is fun because it's so bad; so audaciously stupid you can't look away; I'm still torn and I'm sure I'll take some flak for this but… 5/10.

Steven@WTD.